


Understanding

by Storyteller_of_the_Forest



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Brothers, Comfort, Family is family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kindness, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki is a Good Bro (Marvel), New Asgard, No Slash, Odinsons, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Thor Needs a Hug (Marvel), Thor is a Good Bro (Marvel), Trauma, all the feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:02:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28327239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storyteller_of_the_Forest/pseuds/Storyteller_of_the_Forest
Summary: Loki has always been curious and needed answers to every problem and quandary. If he doesn't understand a situation, he won't stop until he does. When the god of mischief is faced with a problem he doesn't get, one that affects his brother, Loki struggles to figure out how to understand that which is unknowable.(Part of my ongoing New Asgard series)
Relationships: Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 38





	Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all.
> 
> I was originally going to post this earlier this month, but I couldn't stop tinkering with it. I tried to make it holiday themed, but it didn't read right, so I just stripped that out completely. Still, I wanted to post something as a gift and a thank you to all my readers. You lot are the best (if you've ever read something I've written, from the bottom of my heart, thank you).
> 
> This fic came about when I was listening to "Nothing Else Matters" (originally by Metallica. I also really like the cover by Marlisa). Something about the lyrics really made me think of the Odinsons (particularly in this series). I highly recommend listening to both versions of the song. It's really a good song.
> 
> Also: that new Loki trailer was _amazing,_ although I will be somewhat annoyed if Thor doesn't make an appearance.
> 
> I still owe some of you responses. I'm sorry. I've had a really difficult time recently, but I will respond. I do love chatting with all of you.
> 
> I'm looking forward to reading all your reactions to this fic. Your words always brighten my day and warm my heart. Thank you for taking the time to leave them <3
> 
> REGULAR WARNINGS
> 
> Haven't seen Infinity War and am not going to see Infinity War (the Russos are terrible human beings. I don't want to hear about them or their god awful garbage).
> 
> I don't do romantic ships, especially not between family members. If you're into that kind of thing, go elsewhere (and don't tag my work with incest ships, please).
> 
> I'm still somewhat new to writing fics. So I apologize for any mistakes, mis-characterizations, formatting errors, or just any glaring errors. Please be gentle: writing fics is literally stress relief for me.
> 
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated. I don't own anything, obviously all characters and recognizable aspects belong to Marvel.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story and thank you for reading :)

* * *

Not many things frightened Loki and he learned very early on not to be frozen by his fear. He taught himself how to face whatever scared him in his own way, usually by using lies and deceptions and illusions.

His approach to fear was partly why he was baffled by his brother’s panic episodes in the beginning.

After the first couple episodes, Loki was determined to learn all there was to know about these strange bouts of panic Thor seemed to experience randomly. These were new to the Aesir, something unknown, and therefore interesting. Loki’s natural curiosity was piqued. What few Asgardian texts remained proved to be fruitless, which meant this was a quandary they would have to figure out on their own.

 _It’s fine. This is fine,_ Loki thought late one night while holding his violently trembling brother, who was panting as though he couldn’t breathe, tightly grasping Loki’s shirt. _We have faced more perilous ordeals before and survived. This situation just requires a little patience. I will figure it out in a week, perhaps two, and then we shall fix it. Everything will be okay._

A week drifted by. Then another. Then another. Thor’s episodes became worse and Loki started running low on theories about the cause of such episodes.

Still, he convinced himself everything was fine. Loki could figure this out. He could fix this.

The sound of Thor’s cry of terror woke him up late one night and he opened his eyes just in time to see his brother leave the room. Throwing back the covers of his bed, Loki rose to his feet and went after Thor. He found his brother kneeling on the floor, his arms wrapped protectively around his middle, his shoulders shaking as he wept.

Loki approached and knelt beside him. “Thor?”

Thor took great shuddering breaths, his eye tightly clenched shut. Loki reached out, laying a hand on his shoulder.

“Brother, what’s the matter?” he asked. Thor didn’t respond. Loki tilted his head a little, trying to meet his brother’s gaze.

“Are you in pain?”

Thor shook his head, his body still rigid as he tightly held himself. He was gripping his sides as though he feared falling apart.

“Did you have a bad dream?”

Thor sniffled and shook his head, still refusing to open his eye. Loki frowned. He was having trouble reconciling this image of his brother with the practically invincible force of nature he’d grown up with. Thor was strong, he was brave. What kind of illness could possibly do this? What was happening to his brother?

“Do you wish for me to help you back to bed?”

Thor let out a soft sob and shook his head. Loki sat with him for a moment more, waiting for the god of thunder to speak, to tell him what he needed, to explain what was happening. When it seemed as though Thor was calming down, the dark-haired god rose to his feet, deciding to return to bed. If his brother was unable to speak, there was not much Loki could do. Perhaps Thor just needed a little time.

A strong grip on his wrist made him pause and he looked to Thor, was now staring up at him with a teary eye.

“Please, don’t go,” he whispered. “Don’t leave.”

Loki swallowed, unsure what to say or do. He opened his mouth and closed it again, whatever teasing comment he wanted to make dying on his lips. _What do I do? I do not understand this situation. This is not a puzzle I can solve tonight._

Looking around the room, he noticed the blanket on the couch. It was a cool night and Thor did not like being cold.

“I’m sorry, brother,” Thor mumbled, drawing Loki’s attention back to him. The god of thunder released his wrist, not meeting his eyes. “I do not mean to disturb your rest. Please, go back to sleep. I shall be all right.”

Thor hung his head, swiping at the tears still running down his face. The trickster could sense the shame his brother was feeling. He reached out, but hesitated, unsure what to do or say. Dropping his arm, his eyes wandered back to the blanket. Loki moved over to the couch. Retrieving a couple pillows and the blanket, Loki returned to Thor’s side.

Tossing the pillows to the ground, Loki wrapped the blanket around Thor’s shoulders. The god of thunder looked at him, confused.

“We shall sleep here tonight,” Loki told him as he adjusted the blanket. He met his brother’s gaze and grinned.

“On the floor?”

Loki shrugged. “Why not? We have slept on less pleasant surfaces in less pleasant places.”

Thor stared at him for a moment more before hesitantly laying down. Loki fluffed up his pillow before also laying down, finding a somewhat comfortable position. He could feel Thor watching him. Glancing over to his brother, he smiled. Perhaps this was what Thor needed. A simple change of scenery. Noticing Thor was still shaking a little, Loki reached over to him.

“Come here,” he said softly, encouraging Thor to curl up beside him. Thor sniffled and put his head on Loki’s shoulder as the trickster held him close. Looking up to the ceiling, Loki murmured a few words under his breath. The lights winked out and almost immediately, Thor’s hand shot out and tightly grasped the front of Loki’s night shirt.

“Shh, shh,” Loki soothed. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m still here.”

Thor sighed softly and released his brother’s shirt. He was still trembling, but it was gradually stopping. For a while, they lay in the darkness, silently.

“Loki?”

The trickster looked to his brother, noticing tears welling up in Thor’s eye again.

“What is it, Thor?”

Thor swallowed, his brow furrowing as though considering his words. “Was it very hot on Thanos’ ship?”

Loki struggled not to run a hand over his face in exasperation. He knew what Thor was asking. Every now and again, Thor would try to coax some information out of Loki about his time in Thanos’s thrall. Loki didn’t understand why and feared the strange fixation was contributing to Thor’s mysterious illness.

“I do not remember,” Loki lied. Thor looked skeptical.

“Why do you not trust me?” he asked, obviously hurt. Loki briefly clenched his teeth.

“Why do you wish for me to revisit such unpleasant experiences?” he shot back, sharper than he meant to. Thor frowned and dropped his gaze from his brother’s face, pulling away slightly and repositioning himself so he was once again laying across from Loki. He studied the trickster in the dark. After a moment, he put a hand on Loki’s chest, just above his heart.

“I failed to protect you then. I failed to save you aboard our ship,” Thor started shakily. “I’m in a pathetic lowly state and I know there’s not much I can do. But…I wish to help you heal, if you need.”

Thor paused, still unable to meet Loki’s gaze. The trickster watched his brother, unable to speak. The god of thunder was suffering from some mysterious ailment, one that seemed to turn his mind against him at times, and yet his priority remained Loki’s well-being. There were times when Loki wished Thor could be a little more selfish, a little more like the arrogant braggart he used to be. Perhaps if he were, he wouldn’t suffer so.

“Thanos was unlike any villain we have encountered,” Thor’s quiet voice drew Loki out of his thoughts. “And I worry he might have left hidden wounds on you. I cannot bear the thought of him taking my brother from me again.”

His voice cracked and Thor sniffled. Loki swallowed and leaned forward, resting his brow against Thor’s. Warmth gathered in his own eyes. He gently ran his hand over his brother’s short hair, pleased to feel Thor relax a little. The dark-haired god was still rather baffled by how much his brother cared about him and Loki wasn’t sure how to respond to it, but he was willing to try figuring it out.

“Do you know what the worst thing Thanos did was?” Loki asked and heard Thor quietly sniffle as he shook his head. “He took you away. After you died in my arms, I believed I would never see you again. I thought you were lost forever and…it left a lingering hurt. One that didn’t fully heal until that evening you returned. You have helped me heal a great deal just by coming back, Thor.”

Thor opened his teary eye and looked at his brother. “Then…you are okay?”

Loki smiled and nodded. “I am.”

The god of thunder still looked somewhat troubled. “But you will tell me, Loki, if you ever are not, won’t you?”

“I will,” Loki promised. “Try to get some sleep, brother. I will be here when you awaken.”

Thor closed his eye, tugging the blanket a little tighter about his shoulders. Loki looked up to the ceiling, listening to Thor’s breathing steady out. His mind was racing, as it usually did. Looking to Thor, Loki studied his brother’s face.

“Thor?” he whispered, wondering if Thor was still awake. Thor’s eye slowly opened, and he turned his head a little so he was looking at Loki. The trickster hesitated. He wanted to ask Thor about these episodes, wanted to know why they happened.

He wanted to understand what they were like.

However, he didn’t know if it would upset Thor to think about such things. The last thing he wanted was to be the cause of yet another panic episode. _Norns, we’ll have to sleep out in the bloody front yard,_ Loki thought.

He adjusted the blanket on Thor and grinned at the god of thunder.

“Sleep well, brother,” he told him. Thor looked troubled, but his eye slowly closed and he nestled down more. Soon, he had fallen asleep again. Loki adjusted his grip slightly and closed his own eyes, drifting off to sleep.

They slept peacefully through the night.

_*_

There wasn’t a day that went by that Thor didn’t experience a panic episode and usually multiple episodes. They continued to increase in frequency and it was rare the Odinsons got a full night of uninterrupted sleep. It became more and more difficult to take care of his brother and New Asgard. Loki’s attention was diverted from learning what his brother’s episodes were like to how to minimize them long enough so he could go out and get some work done.

Realizing the most intense episodes almost always happened in the morning or late in the evening, Loki started trying to prepare his brother for when he had to leave for short errands. Most of his work as interim leader, he was able to do from home. However, he still needed to run errands in order to get the necessities they needed. Loki was never one to rely on others for help.

He came up with a system. First, whenever it was possible, he would tell Thor exactly where he was going and approximately how long he would be. This seemed to put the god of thunder’s mind at ease (mostly). Next, he would write his brother a note. Even if Thor knew where he was going, Loki left him a note to remind him. He always made sure to write it on brightly colored paper and leave it where Thor would see it. And he would always sign it.

The first few times, it worked like a charm. Thor was always waiting for him at the window and, if he were being honest, Loki enjoyed seeing his brother’s face in the clean panes of glass. He would release the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Thor would always unlock the door and welcome Loki home.

 _See. Everything is fine. He just needed a little time,_ Loki told himself, foolishly believing their troubles were finally over. Thor was obviously on the road to recovery.

He decided to try his luck and go out a little longer. He visited his private shrine to Frigga, lit a candle for her, and sat in his sanctuary.

“He’s doing better, Mother,” Loki told the image of Frigga on the altar. “I think Thor has finally put the past behind him. He’s starting to be like his old…”

Loki trailed off and looked to his hands, his brow furrowing when he found himself unable to continue. He was lying. But he was the god of lies. Lies rolled off his tongue easily, more often than the truth. And yet…Loki could not bring himself to lie about this situation.

He was surprised when he felt a drop of water splatter on the back of his hand. Then another. It took the trickster a moment to realize they were tears. He scrubbed at his face, confused. He didn’t cry. Especially not when there wasn’t any reason to.

Clearing his throat, scrubbing at his face, Loki let out a strangled laugh.

“Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself,” Loki repeated the words Frigga had said to him so many years ago. “I fear you were incorrect, Mother. Were I so perceptive about everyone, I would have some idea of what is afflicting my brother. Yet I don’t.”

He stood up from his seat and approached the altar. “I really wish you were here. I do not know what to do. I am improvising, but it doesn’t seem to help. Or if it does, it’s only temporary.”

Loki paused and ran a hand through his hair. “I spent so many years jealous of Thor, wishing he no longer existed, wishing he would never come back. And now, I would do anything just to keep him here, keep him safe. I would do anything to heal him from whatever it is he’s suffering from.”

Loki was silent for a long while, his eyes on the ground. He looked up to the portrait of his mother, her kind smile and lovely eyes.

“He’s all I have left, Mother,” Loki whispered.

The trickster sniffled and pulled out his phone, glancing at the time. He still had a while before he had to return home, yet something made him feel he should return sooner. Slipping his phone back in its pocket, Loki kissed his fingers and put them against the portrait.

“Goodbye, Mother,” he whispered. Then he turned and left the sanctuary, heading for home.

He wandered the familiar path, looking down at his feet, his mind racing. If this was what responsibility was like, Loki hated it. What was he going to do if Thor continued having these episodes? Were they dangerous? A sign of some unknown illness? Perhaps Loki needed to try harder to bring him to the healers.

When he got nearer to their home, Loki looked up, a gentle smile on his face. A smile that swiftly disappeared.

The front window was empty.

An uncomfortable feeling of dread coiled about Loki’s stomach and he quickened his pace until he was jogging, pulling his keys out of his pocket. He reached the front door and unlocked it, stepping inside.

“Thor?” he called out. He could hear water running in the kitchen. Shutting the door, Loki hurried down the short front hall.

Thor was standing at the sink, staring out the window. The tap was on. _Odd,_ Loki thought as he approached his brother. Thor didn’t notice him, his eyes fixed off in the distance. There wasn’t any sign of fear or discomfort on his face. There wasn’t any expression at all. The god of thunder was just staring outside.

Loki looked to his hands, noticing he was holding a scrubber and a potato, both of which were soaking wet. Noticing a bowl of clean potatoes on the other side of the sink, Loki reached over and turned off the water.

“Thor?” he tried again. Thor didn’t respond, just kept staring. Loki grabbed ahold of his shoulder and shook him slightly. Thor blinked and shook his head, turning his eye to Loki. A smile spread across his face.

“Brother, you’re home early,” he said warmly, setting what he was holding off to the side. “Did you forget something again?”

Loki frowned as he watched his brother dry his hands on a towel. “What time do you think it is?”

“A little past one. My hands started shaking, so I was unable to get as much work done on the bed frames as I’d hoped. However, I figured I could start on dinner—”

Thor stopped abruptly when he noticed the time on the small clock in the kitchen. Loki moved a little closer to him. Thor turned his gaze back to Loki, disbelief apparent on his expression.

“That’s…that’s not the correct time,” Thor stated. “It can’t be.”

“I’m afraid it is,” Loki replied, noticing the change in his brother’s breathing. Thor shook his head.

“No, no, this is…it’s some of your mischief.”

Had it been any other time and situation, Loki would have been deeply offended at the suggestion he would do so pointless a thing. His mischief had finesse and purpose, it required skill. He didn’t turn back clocks. That was something Midgardians did, and it was ridiculous.

“Thor—”

“This isn’t funny, Loki! Change it back!”

Loki reached out and put a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Thor, it’s okay. You lost track of time. It happens to everyone. It happens to me on occasion.”

“Almost two hours!? You lose almost two hours!?” Thor snapped as he shoved Loki’s hand away from him, backing up as he started gasping. “I can’t breathe. I…I ca-can’t breathe.”

“Thor, calm down. You can breathe. Everything is all right,” Loki said calmly as he moved closer to his brother. Thor stumbled and Loki easily caught him, helping to keep him upright.

“I can’t have lost that much time. I can’t have lost so much time,” Thor repeated as he continued gasping for breath. Loki wrapped Thor’s arm around his shoulders, supporting his brother’s weight.

“It’s okay. Try not to think about it. Come, let’s sit in the main room for a bit,” Loki encouraged. Thor looked over at him and nodded, allowing the trickster to lead him into the main room. Loki could already feel him starting to tremble, but remained focused on getting his brother over to the couch.

Once they reached it, Loki guided Thor to sit. Thor hunched over his knees, clutching his temples. The trickster sat beside him, wrapping an arm about his shoulders. Thor leaned against him, sniffling. Eventually, he gripped one of Loki’s arms and started shivering. The trickster could practically hear his brother’s heart racing and held him tightly, unsure what to say or even if he should say anything.

As he held Thor, patiently waiting for the episode to pass, Loki’s mind was racing. He hadn’t seen Thor in such a state before, at least not for very long. Every now and again, Thor got a distant look in his eye, but he always shook himself out of it after a minute or two.

“My hands are cold,” Thor mumbled, drawing Loki out of his thoughts. The trickster couldn’t help but snicker at that.

“Do you wish for a pair of gloves?”

Thor laughed softly. He was quiet for a bit and stopped shaking. Loki leaned back in the couch, praying this would be a brief episode. _Hopefully, the worst of it has passed,_ he thought.

Luck appeared to be on their side for once. Thor sighed and straightened up, leaning back into the couch. The trickster patted his brother’s shoulder.

“I’ll finish making dinner, brother. Just rest here,” Loki told him. Thor nodded and closed his eye. The dark-haired god rose from the couch and made his way to the kitchen. He turned his attention to making dinner.

He was pleased to see Thor had scrubbed most of the potatoes. Loki just had to prepare the rest of the vegetables for what looked like a Midgardian soup, judging from the cookbook out on the counter. As he set about doing so, his mind wandered and he again wondered what it was like to have fits of panic.

Setting up the broth to simmer, Loki cleaned off his hands and moved to the doorway of the kitchen.

“Thor?”

He stopped when he saw his brother sleeping peacefully on the couch. Loki shook his head and moved back into the kitchen, unwilling to disturb his brother’s rest. The god of thunder rarely got a good sleep. Loki’s curiosity could wait.

_*_

Things became more and more difficult much to Loki’s chagrin. Every time things seemed to be turning a corner, every time Thor seemed to be getting better, he inevitably experienced a setback and they were right back to square one.

Thor and Loki often found themselves mentally and emotionally spent at the end of the day, particularly when Thor had multiple episodes. Loki experienced exhaustion the likes of which he’d never known before. He didn’t like it at all.

One day, Loki got frustrated enough that he resolved to get answers on his own. Thor was experiencing an intense panic episode and had his arms wrapped around his knees. He was shaking and tears were running down his face. No matter what Loki tried, Thor didn’t respond to him. Without thinking, Loki placed his hand against Thor’s brow and closed his eyes.

As always, his brother’s mind was in fragments: things that had happened, things that he feared would happen, things he imagined were happening. Feelings of shame, feelings of loss, memories of pain, of agony, panic. It was a jumbled mess that overwhelmed the trickster. Loki felt a sharp pain in his chest and twisted, spotting the ruins of the Statesman. Thor was cradling his body, sobbing. The amount of pain was unlike anything Loki had ever experienced before. It was suffocating. The trickster fell to his knees, clenching his eyes shut, putting his hands over his ears and screaming silently. _Wake up, wake up, WAKE UP!_

Loki fell backwards with a sharp gasp, his entire body shivering. For a moment, everything spun and he could feel his heart hammering in his chest. Pushing himself up to his elbows, he shook his head and looked back to his brother.

Thor was weeping, slumped on his side, his fingers digging into his temples. Loki crawled over to him and carefully pulled him up so his back was against the wall. He pulled his brother’s hands away from his head, where Thor had drawn little slivers of blood, and searched the blond god’s face.

“Why?” Loki asked, tears crawling down his own cheeks. His brother’s intense emotions were still affecting him. “Why do you go back there? You know how painful that memory is, how much it hurts you. Why do you constantly return to it?”

Thor continued shaking, tears and sweat mingling coating his face as he continued weeping, inconsolable. Loki wrapped his arms around him, embracing him, running a hand over his short hair.

“Stay,” Loki urged. “Stay here. In the present. Stop torturing yourself with the past. Please.”

They sat there for more than an hour, the panic episode lasting longer than Thor’s typically did. Loki held him, horrified by the glimpse he’d seen of Thor’s tormented mind. He was overcome with the urge to take Thor away from this planet, somewhere new, somewhere less haunted by memories. Perhaps he could find another dimension or create a pocket of reality where they could live, alone and at peace. He wanted to bring his brother to a place where Thor could be free of pain. Loki desperately wanted to protect his brother.

After the god of thunder had calmed down, Loki helped him over to the couch. Thor instantly collapsed upon the soft cushions, shame coloring his tired face. The dark-haired god pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over his brother. He opened his mouth to say something, to offer some comfort, but closed it again. Once again, the trickster found he was unable to come up with anything to say.

“Loki?”

Loki looked to Thor, surprised his brother had spoken. It normally took Thor a while before he felt up to speaking after his episodes. The god of thunder was looking at him, tear streaks still on his face. He swallowed and discomfort mingled with shame in his expression.

“Please do not go into my memories again.”

The trickster stared at him, puzzled. The words were so simple, spoken so softly. Normally, if Loki did something that annoyed Thor, the god of thunder would bellow at him. He would scold the trickster for whatever mischief Loki had gotten into.

This was a request. No, it was more a plea. That was something he’d never heard from Thor or anyone else for that matter. Suddenly, Loki felt a gnawing guilt for having gone into his brother’s mind in the first place. Thor hadn’t been an opponent, they hadn’t been sparring. His brother had been vulnerable, and Loki had taken advantage of that.

Loki nodded. “All right, Thor. I give you my word, I will not enter your mind again.”

 _Not when you’re in a panic episode, anyhow,_ Loki thought. A hint of relief flickered across Thor’s expression and he closed his eye. Loki turned and made his way into the kitchen to make lunch, frustrated that he hadn’t learned anything about the cause of his brother’s episodes.

That night, he lay in bed with Thor. The god of thunder had been noncommunicative since lunch. He’d had at least seven panic episodes by Loki’s count and the trickster imagined it might even be a few more. Now his brother was staring up at the ceiling with a distant look in his eye, his face disturbingly blank. If not for the steady rise and fall of his chest, Loki would have thought him dead.

Loki lay on his side, one arm wrapped around his brother as he held Thor close. Something had changed that week. Outwardly, it seemed as though things were getting better as Thor’s typical panic episodes had lessened somewhat. And yet something about that worried the trickster. Perhaps it was because Thor didn’t seem any happier or more at peace. If anything, he seemed resigned. He didn’t speak much anymore, and Loki couldn’t remember the last time the god of thunder had laughed or smiled.

The dark-haired god watched Thor’s blank expression, hoping something would change. Hoping his brother would snap out of this. Hoping he would just be Thor again.

“What is it like?” Loki asked softly. “These episodes? What are they like, Thor?”

Thor didn’t respond. He just kept staring straight ahead, disturbingly still. Loki watched him for a time, patiently waiting for him to speak. He had to be able to speak. Perhaps he was just considering his response. The minutes dragged on and Thor did not speak, just stared straight ahead.

Loki looked up to the window and watched the night sky outside. He did something he rarely ever did: he sent a prayer to the souls in Valhalla. _Please. Please watch over my brother. Grant him peace. Let his sleep be untroubled tonight._

“I do not know.”

The response was so soft Loki almost missed it. He looked to Thor, who was still blank-faced as he stared up. Sniffling, he raised a hand to his face and scrubbed at his eye.

“I…don’t know,” he repeated. “I just feel so tired, Loki. Tired…and broken.”

He sniffled again and kept his eye straight upwards. Loki swallowed and hugged his brother a little tighter. _But you’re not broken. A little damaged perhaps, but that shall heal eventually. It hurts now, but it won’t always,_ Loki thought, wishing he could speak the words aloud. He could not bring himself to do so. It would sound disingenuous coming from him. His pride would not allow him to speak such emotional declarations aloud.

That didn’t mean he was without tools.

“Do you remember that last battle against Hela? On the Bifrost?” Loki whispered.

“A little, vaguely,” Thor replied. “My memories of before the war of the gauntlet are hazy. I worry…I worry they’re fading away.”

That concerned Loki greatly, but he still grinned. “Luckily for you, your brother is the god of stories. Perhaps you would feel better if I told you about that day?”

To his great surprise, Thor finally turned his eye to him. Tears were running down his cheek and he looked heartbroken. Yet there was also a glimmer of hope in his gaze. Thor nodded and Loki was pleased to have some way to help his brother.

He immediately launched into the epic tale of that day, the day they triumphed. The day Loki had finally stood at his brother’s side. The day Thor had become who he was born to be. It was one of Loki’s best memories, one he often revisited (especially now that Thor had returned). He embellished a few details here and there, as the god of stories was want to do.

When he finished, Loki looked to Thor’s face. He was pleased to see his brother had fallen asleep at some point during the story. Even more pleasing, there was the faintest hint of a smile on Thor’s face. It was a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Loki adjusted the blanket on Thor. Then, hesitantly, he reached out and rested a hand on Thor’s shoulder. The trickster knew how difficult it was to recall the good memories, the times before such a cataclysmic event. He knew what it was like to have such memories tainted by hurt and pain. _If you need help recalling you’re a hero, I shall remind you. I shall tell you great stories of your adventures and accomplishments, until they are once again vivid in your mind. I promise you, brother._

Loki wrapped an arm around his brother, laying his head on the pillow and closing his eyes. He slowly drifted off to sleep.

_*_

The Odinsons went through many more trying and difficult times, yet managed to endure as they always did. Yet even when Thor had healed enough to take on the role of leader of the Aesir, Loki still found himself wondering about what his brother experienced. It was an annoying piece of an annoying puzzle that he needed to solve.

One day, while they were working in their office at the town hall, Loki found his thoughts straying. He watched his brother, who was focused on the reviewing some of the new proposed bills that had just been brought to them. Thor circled something on the page he was currently focused on, his brow furrowing a little.

“Thor?” Loki said softly. Thor looked up to his brother and Loki almost smirked. No matter what he was doing, Thor’s friends and family always came first. He would drop everything in a heartbeat if one of them needed him. It was rather endearing.

Loki folded his arms on the desk, tapping one finger on his upper arm.

“What is it like? When you experience a panic episode?”

Thor frowned, obviously not expecting that question. “What?”

“When you experience a panic episode, what is it like? I have sat with you through a great many of them, but I have never been able to figure out quite what is going on.”

“Surely you have read some of the literature Banner has provided us,” Thor replied. “And Brunnhilde told me the hospital—”

“Yes, yes, that is all boring and uninteresting drivel. I could barely stay awake while reading through it. Time I shall never be getting back,” Loki grumbled with a dismissive wave of his hand. “It only told me of symptoms and definitions. It offered no explanation of what it was like.”

“Why do you want to know?”

Loki harrumphed. “Must there always be a reason?”

Thor smiled faintly and put his pen down, rubbing his hands together. “I’m afraid you may well be disappointed, brother. I do not know how to explain panic episodes. I’m unsure if words could capture such an experience.”

“Could you not try?” Loki pressed. Thor furrowed his brow, looking off to the side, thinking.

“It is…it is an overwhelming sensation. Everything becomes more intense and heightened. I feel as though I am drowning in an all-encompassing dread and I have hundreds of thoughts at once, all of which are unpleasant, things I fear,” Thor explained, swallowing as he sat back. “Everything comforting and pleasant simply vanishes. I am falling into an abyss and I cannot do anything to escape it.”

“And you feel all this suddenly? With no warning?”

Thor shrugged. “Sometimes. Sometimes I can feel such panic coming on. I do not know which is preferable.”

He was quiet for a moment, a thoughtful and somewhat sad expression on his face. “During such episodes, I feel disconnected from the world. I am in a place of pain and fear. I am alone.”

It was Loki’s turn to frown. “But…you’re not alone.”

Thor seemed to shake himself out of his thoughts and looked over at his brother, smiling a little. “I know, Loki. But when I’m in a panic episode, I am not capable of recognizing such things.”

Loki studied him, thinking over what his brother had told him. He wasn’t sure if it answered his question, but he wasn’t sure his question could be answered. It was likely something that could only be understood by those who experienced such states.

“Does that answer your question, brother?” Thor asked gently.

Loki nodded. “It does. Thank you.”

Thor smiled and turned his attention back to the papers in front of him. Loki wanted to say something more, but he didn’t know what else he could say. He turned his eyes to the window, studying the autumn scene outside. While winter remained his favorite season, Loki had developed an appreciation for the autumn. They truly had some beautiful seasons in New Asgard.

_*_

_Thor is having a panic episode. We’re in the suite._

Loki moved through the hotel, weaving around the numerous people as he made his way to the stairway. He, Thor, and Brunnhilde were on a diplomatic errand. The worldwide pandemic was starting to subside now that there was a vaccine. However, the damage it had done was immense. Aside from the loss of life, most countries were in economic depressions. The pandemic had left countless ruins in its wake and it was going to take decades to recover from the devastation.

Thor had been working non-stop at the conference, stretching himself too thin. He hadn’t been sleeping enough, hadn’t been eating enough. As usual, he was putting everyone else’s needs first. Brunnhilde and Loki tried to remind him to take breaks, to sleep, to take care of himself. Thor would hear none of it: people were suffering and needed help. They had resources to spare and he had to make sure they went to where they were most needed, where they would do the most good.

He and Loki fought earlier that morning. Loki was frustrated that his brother refused to say no to anyone, no matter what it cost him. Thor was exhausted, there were rings under his eyes, he was barely sleeping, and still he insisted on pushing himself further. It was only a matter of time before he collapsed. Thor insisted Loki was overreacting, and they exchanged a few unkind words before Loki left to clear his head. As he passed by Brunnhilde, he growled that she should look after his pigheaded brother for however long he was gone.

Loki thought it would take the entire afternoon for him to cool down, but it had only taken a couple hours. The fresh air did wonders for his mood, even if it was a bit too warm for his tastes. He eventually went back inside the extravagant building, wandering around the well-dressed diplomats, eavesdropping on their conversations. He did enjoy gathering bits of information and gossip, most of which could be used in the future.

He hadn’t expected the text from Brunnhilde, though it didn’t surprise him. _I knew this was coming,_ Loki thought with a roll of his eyes as he started back for their rooms. Thor could normally endure his episodes on his own. If Brunnhilde was texting him, Loki imagined it was probably worse than usual.

Jogging up the steps, Loki soon reached the upper floor where they were staying. He took the keycard out of his pocket and pressed it against the stairwell door, unlocking it so he could open it. Moving down the long hall of doors, he soon came upon their suite and pressed the keycard to the lock, unlocking that door as well.

Stepping into the room, he saw Brunnhilde standing near the table, waiting.

“He’s in there,” she said, gesturing to the bedroom. “I tried speaking to him, sitting with him, but he’s not responding. I don’t think he’s going to respond to me.”

Loki nodded and moved over to the closed door, knocking lightly. “Thor? May I come in?”

He waited for a moment, hoping his brother would be able to snap himself out of the episode. When he didn’t receive any acknowledgment, Loki pushed down the door handle and opened the door.

Thor was sitting with his back against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest. His entire body was shivering, and Loki could faintly hear him panting.

“Worry not, brother. Your savior is here,” Loki teased the god of thunder, beaming. Thor hated when he said that, and Loki had received some impressive glares when he did so (his brother was so easily annoyed).

Thor didn’t react, didn’t even look up. He just kept trembling, his face hidden by his knees. Loki’s smile fell as he realized his brother was experiencing a more intense episode than normal, one he was unable to pull himself out of.

Unbuttoning his jacket, Loki pulled it off and tossed it onto the bed. He moved over to the window, unlatched it, and pushed it open, letting in some fresh air.

Striding to his brother’s side, Loki sat beside him, resting his own back against the wall.

“The diplomats are quite the gossip hounds, you know,” he began conversationally. “You wouldn’t think we had just endured a pandemic with the way they’re carrying on.”

He looked over at Thor, who was still shaking. He was resting his head on his knees and Loki heard him sniffle.

_“Everything comforting and pleasant simply vanishes. I am falling into an abyss and I cannot do anything to escape it.”_

Loki looked up to the window, remembering his brother’s words from not too long ago. He looked over at Thor, his eyes falling on the god of thunder’s hand. It was shaking like the rest of him. Something about seeing Thor’s normally steady hands trembling often made Loki feel sad. The trickster wasn’t entirely sure why.

_“I am in a place of pain and fear. I am alone.”_

Perhaps…perhaps what Thor needed was an anchor. Something to ground him. In the early days of these episodes, Loki had often held his brother when Thor was trapped in such a state. The contact often worked wonders, but when the god of thunder’s episodes had worsened, such gestures only seemed to further distress him.

Loki reached over, carefully, and took Thor’s hand. He interlaced his fingers with his brother’s, leaning his head back against the wall.

“Let us just sit here, Thor,” he said calmly. “For a little while. It shall be just you and I and this room. There is no danger, no demands, no stress. This is our small sanctuary, nothing can reach us here.”

Thor sniffled and drew in a shuddering breath. His hand briefly squeezed Loki’s. The trickster smiled and closed his eyes, listening to the sounds of the birds outside. They sat there together, Loki patiently waiting for his brother to work through whatever he was experiencing.

It took a while, but eventually Thor drew in a deep breath and stretched his legs out in front of him. He thumped his head back against the wall and closed his eye, not releasing his hold on Loki’s hand.

Loki kept his gaze forward, waiting. Patience was not something that came naturally to the trickster, yet he had learned it while helping Thor endure these panic episodes. It had taken ages and no small amount of frustration, but Loki had learned it.

“There is so much to do,” Thor said softly, his tone so defeated. “So much was lost, so many lives. Countries are in tatters. There are families who are broken apart, shattered in their grief. And whatever aid we can offer, it is nowhere near enough.”

“It is not our duty to save the world—”

“It is my duty to protect it,” Thor responded sharply. “I didn’t do enough during the height of the pandemic.”

Loki bristled and bit his tongue, wanting to snap at his brother for being so damn stubborn. Thor who had to take all the ills of the world on his already burdened shoulders.

“You did plenty,” Loki replied, unable to keep some of the seething out of his tone. “We offered as much aid as we could, took every call and meeting requested of us. It was not our responsibility to do more.”

“We could have sent out more healers,” Thor insisted, though Loki could tell he knew that was false.

“Thor, we sent out as many healers as we could spare, probably more than we should have. Would you have us leave the Aesir vulnerable? As the leader of New Asgard, you must put your people first, as the leaders of other countries must do. We did more than most to help combat this sickness. It is unfortunate so many lives were lost, but we did our part and helped save a great many.”

Thor thumped his head back against the wall, running his hands over his face. Loki frowned as he studied his brother, feeling a twinge of concern. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“What brought on this self-condemnation? You have been foolishly neglecting your own health and well-being as you always do, but rarely have I seen you outright blame yourself for something so completely out of your control.”

 _Gods, **that’s** a lie,_ Loki thought, remembering Thor’s continued belief that the Snap had somehow been entirely his fault. The trickster suspected the god of thunder still thought as much.

Thor swallowed, sniffling and swiping at his eye. “There was…this afternoon, at the meeting I attended, a diplomat spoke of losing his brother to the virus. How he watched him slowly succumb to it, how he sat with him in his final moments, in the hospital.”

The god of thunder looked down, his lower lip trembling, tears dripping down his cheek. “He couldn’t…he wasn’t allowed to hold his hand or offer him any comfort, Loki. He had to sit at a window and helplessly watch his brother struggle to draw his last breaths.”

 _Ah, that would do it,_ Loki thought, surprised to feel a lump in his own throat. He had witnessed how cruel the virus had been, read the daily reports the same as Thor. While he wasn’t as emotionally affected as his brother, Loki still felt a pang of sympathy for those who were suffering. Viruses were nasty things.

Reaching over to the god of thunder, he guided Thor into a hug, knowing that was what his brother needed. Almost immediately, Thor’s strong arms wrapped around him, embracing him fiercely as the god of thunder wept. Loki allowed him to cry on his shoulder for a short while, never releasing his hold on him.

“We know what that’s like, don’t we?” Loki spoke softly, his own eyes welling up slightly. “It is not a pain I would wish on anyone, not even on those who annoy me.”

Thor drew in a shuddering breath. “Of which there are a great many. Too many to count.”

Loki grinned and laughed softly, cradling the back of his brother’s head. Thor gulped and drew in a stuttering breath, a shiver going through him.

“I am unworthy to call myself a defender of this realm. I cannot keep them safe, brother. I cannot keep anyone safe,” Thor told him, wiping his tears away. Loki rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. Norns, how he hated when his brother made him be sentimental.

“I am going to tell you something and if you breathe a word of it to another soul, I will stab you. Every single day until you leave for Valhalla’s Halls,” Loki grumbled. Thor pulled back slightly from his brother, watching him with curiosity. Loki looked down to his fingers, playing with them and allowing wisps of magic to dance around his hands.

“You are a good leader, Thor. You keep us safe, which is no small feat. Our home still stands, practically unscathed, after a pandemic. That’s thanks in large part to your—”

“To **_our_** ,” Thor corrected him emphatically. “Most of the measures we took were based on your suggestions.”

Loki smirked. His brother still refused to take sole credit for anything, another somewhat endearing trait.

“Very well, thanks to _our_ efforts. You helped a great many, brother, both at home and abroad. You think only of the lives you were unable to save, never of the ones you did.”

Thor sniffled and leaned against his brother. “I know, but I still feel guilt. We got through this together. I still have my brother, and so many others don’t. It is unfair.”

“Viruses always are,” Loki replied, wrapping his arm around his brother and holding him close. He didn’t feel guilt, only relief. Relief that Thor had not succumbed to his own bout with the deadly virus.

He felt Thor wrap his arms around him again, sighing softly. “Thank you, Loki. I could not do this without you.”

“Likely not,” Loki replied with a smirk. He was pleased when he heard Thor laugh softly. “Have you finished with your meetings today?”

He felt Thor nod against his chest.

“Very well, then as your advisor, I am recommending strongly that you rest. You haven’t gotten nearly enough sleep these past few days. Brunnhilde and I shall take care of dinner.”

Thor peered up at him, squinting. “Are you giving me an order?”

“A recommendation,” Loki repeated. “I am not so heavy handed as to give orders.”

Thor smiled softly, hugging his brother again. “Very well, I shall rest. If only because of your tendency to hover.”

Loki rolled his eyes. He loved his brother, but Thor could be so damn annoying. After a moment, he disentangled himself from his brother’s arms and helped Thor to his feet, guiding him to the bed. He helped his brother get under the covers and sat on the edge of the bed, watching Thor, who was looking out the window.

“It’s very odd,” Thor mentioned. “How after so great a tragedy, the world just continues on. Looking outside, you wouldn’t realize anything was out of the ordinary.”

“I have learned to see it as somewhat comforting,” Loki replied. “Albeit boring and mundane.”

Thor smiled, his eye slowly slipping shut. He turned on his side and stuck his hands under the pillow. Loki sat with him, for a few moments more, watching him sleep. The god of thunder hadn’t slept peacefully since they had arrived at this conference. Leaning down, Loki whispered a few words in Thor’s ear, a simple spell to help him sleep a little easier.

Thor sighed in his sleep and nestled down more under the covers. Loki grinned and gently kissed the god of thunder’s temple.

“Pleasant dreams, brother,” Loki whispered before rising to his feet and moving toward the door. He was already considering what to get for dinner.

_*_

In the middle of the night, Loki awoke when he felt his brother thrashing around. He turned onto his side and saw Thor twisting and turning, fighting invisible monsters. Quiet sounds of distress escaped him as his head turned side to side. Loki rubbed his eyes and scooted a little closer to the god of thunder. Thor always slept fitfully when on these kinds of excursions. The more stress he was under, the more troubled his sleep was.

Carefully, gently, he took ahold of Thor’s wrist. Loki then shook his brother.

“Thor? Thor, you’re having a bad dream,” he murmured, his eyelids starting to droop again. The trickster really was tired. Thor mumbled a little in his sleep. With a sharp intake of breath, his eye snapped open and he sat up, his eye darting around the room.

Loki released Thor’s wrist and watched him with half-lidded eyes, sleep starting to creep over him again. He wanted to make sure his brother was okay before he gave into it.

Thor glanced over at him, smiling a little sheepishly. “I apologize, brother. Did I wake you?”

Loki snorted. “You always do.”

Thor smiled and lay back down, pulling the covers up to his shoulders. The two lay there for a time, quiet in the darkness. Loki felt himself start drifting off back to sleep.

“Did I ever tell you my memories of before the war of the gauntlet have become clearer?” Thor asked, drawing the dark-haired god’s attention back to him. Loki felt a hint of surprise stirring within him. When Thor had been struggling with his illnesses, Loki had remained awake many a night, telling him epic stories of his heroism. Of their heroism. It had always lifted his brother’s mood, even if only temporarily.

A small part of him worried those memories would never return to Thor. Even though Loki didn’t mind recalling them and telling them to his brother, he wanted Thor to remember such times on his own. His brother deserved to have good memories.

“Really?” Loki asked, a smile creeping over his lips. Thor looked over at him, sharing his smile.

“As I started to heal during therapy sessions, both in group and on my own, my memory slowly started to clear. At first, I remembered all the stories you told me, during those long nights when I was overcome with dread and horrible memories,” Thor told him. “I started writing them down in the journal I kept while I stayed in the hospital. As I wrote them down, I found my own memories of those events also started to clear.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” Loki said. Thor was quiet for a moment, smiling affectionately at his brother.

“You would have kept telling me those stories, wouldn’t you? Even if my memory had never returned,” Thor said, sounding as though he already knew the answer. Loki snorted and waved a hand dismissively, turning onto his back.

“It’s much too late at night to be sentimental, Thor,” he said, yawning. He could feel Thor still looking at him and rolled his eyes.

“Obviously, I would have,” he said, smirking as he looked over at Thor. The god of thunder chuckled softly.

“I did notice some of your embellishments,” Thor admitted, and Loki laughed, amusement twinkling in his eyes. Thor’s expression sobered and he studied his brother’s face.

“I know I have told you this many a time, but I am grateful to you for how much you helped me heal,” Thor began, raising a hand when Loki opened his mouth to protest. “Brother, I am aware that I did much work to heal and the doctors in the facility helped a great deal, but you also played a very large role. You did help me quite a lot, Loki. I would not still be here were it not for you.”

Thor reached over and grasped his hand. “Thank you.”

One of those annoying unexpected lumps formed in Loki’s throat. He briefly thought of how frightening it had been, when he had been certain Thor’s time was growing short. When it seemed inevitable that he would have to say goodbye again. It was not a time he enjoyed revisiting, even years later.

“Of course, Thor,” Loki whispered, smiling shakily. “Just don’t do that again.”

Thor smiled at him. “I shall try my best not to, Loki.”

The god of thunder closed his eye. Loki watched him for a moment, watched as his breathing evened out. Hesitantly reaching out, the trickster gently ran his hand over his brother’s short hair. Warmth filled his heart and he smiled softly.

It was odd, but he felt a sort of pride in knowing that his stories had helped his brother heal. In a very peculiar way, Loki’s untruths had helped save Thor’s life. There was still a small part of him that was frustrated that he couldn’t fully heal his brother. There was still a part of him that hoped one day his brother would wake up and no longer be ill. Even though his panic episodes were less frequent, Loki still hoped that eventually Thor would no longer experience them.

As frustrated as he was, Loki had already decided he would stay. Even if Thor never fully recovered, Loki would stay. New Asgard was his home, his and Thor’s. If the god of thunder needed Loki’s help on occasion, that was okay. Even if things got bad again, Loki was more than willing to remain. Turning onto his other side, Loki pulled the covers up to his shoulder and closed his eyes.

A large arm flopped over him and Loki smiled faintly.

He knew he made Thor feel safe, which he found so peculiar. Stranger still, Thor made Loki feel safe. Safe, a concept that had been so alien to Loki for most of his life. Now it was just an ordinary state of being. It was easier to fall asleep and Loki’s rest was often peaceful and uninterrupted. He still would wake at the smallest noise, but it was easier to fall back asleep. Standing at his brother’s side just felt right. They were stronger together.

Loki closed his eyes, falling asleep with a small smile still dancing across his lips.

_*_

The next night, Loki awoke and found the room empty. Noticing a soft warm light under the door, the trickster yawned and pushed back the covers. He rose from the bed and made his way out of the room.

In the main area of the suite, Thor was sitting at the table where the three Asgardians shared meals. Towering stacks of paper surrounded him, both on the floor and on the table. Thor was reading a page and then looked over at a legal pad, scribbling something down.

Loki rubbed his eyes and made his way across the room. Thor glanced up at him when he drew near. The dark-haired god carefully lifted a stack of papers and placed them on the ground.

“Brother, are you all right?” Thor asked. “I did not wake you, did I?”

The trickster pulled out the chair next to his brother, pausing when he saw a file. He lifted it and placed it on another chair. Glancing at Thor, he smiled faintly.

“I’m afraid so,” he lied. “I figured you wouldn’t mind company.”

Thor smiled a little, relief spreading across his expression. “Aye, I always welcome your company, Loki.”

“How can I help?” Loki asked softly. He listened as Thor explained about what he was reviewing and what he hoped to accomplish. Loki held out a hand and Thor handed him a thick packet. He laid it on the table in front of him and flipped open to the first page. Stifling a yawn, Loki forced himself to focus. He put up his feet on one of the empty chair, flipping another page in the packet.

Whatever trials lay before his brother, Loki was going to stand beside him and knew Thor would do the same for him. Thor always got himself into such interesting quandaries. And…he was Loki’s brother.

“Thank you, Loki,” Thor said softly.

“You’re welcome, Thor,” Loki replied.

_**THE END** _

**Author's Note:**

> Lately, I've found myself imagining what life will be like after this pandemic. How it will continue. How we will recover. I choose to be hopeful about the future, even if challenging times are ahead of us.
> 
> I was originally working on another fic (one that was holiday centric), but I got about 25 pages in before I realized that it borked my entire timeline (which granted is a wee bit shaky to begin with. Dyscalculia + time = does not compute). I might have to revisit it eventually. I do have another one-shot, but I don't know if all of you are tired of one-shots like these. I might post it, but it might be a bit.
> 
> Anyhow, I hope all of you are doing okay. I hope you're having a good holiday season.
> 
> Thank you for reading :)


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